The Goblet King
by Burp
Summary: Toby is gross, as Chapter One's title so accurately puts it. Also, Jareth explains the beautiful and delicate transition from goblet to goblin. Warning Rated K plus for toilet talk. Chapter Five up.
1. Chapter 1: Toby's Gross

Disclaimer & etc. : I Burp, do solemnly announce that I do not own Labyrinth or any of its original characters.

PS. Mildred is the class Millipede

Chapter 1 - Toby is Gross

A chorus of girlish shrieks echoed throughout the classroom of kindergarteners.

"Toby ATE Mildred!!!"one voice shrieked.

"Wha-WHAT!! Hold on Toby!!!" shouted the teacher. She raced over to his side and initiated the Heimlich Maneuver. Toby became silent and his eyes glazed over. The teacher ceased her motions. "Toby? . . . Toby are you alright?" The whole classroom grew silent.

"BURRRRPPP" said Toby, who smiled the smile of a self-satisfied little boy. The classroom erupted simultaneously into choruses of laughter and disgust.

Slightly later that day:

Toby smiled to himself in the corner for naughty children.

"Okay Toby, I think it's time you-What are you doing?!! Stop that right now!!!" shouted the teacher. Toby froze in the middle of his now prohibited action, finger halfway between his nose and the wall.

Slightly later that day:

Toby sat by the teacher's desk, humming an obscene little song of his own creation:

"Brown and wiggly

Gloppy and weird

Smelly and stinky, it's toilety talk

He broke into a loud chorus:

Poop, poop, brown and stinky,

Poop, poop, it comes out of b-" "Toby STOP!!!!!" shouted the teacher. She held a hand over her heart. "Toby, I think it's time you visit the principal's office now" she said.


	2. Chapter 2: Toby's More Gross than She Th

Disclaimer & etc:

I own nothing, nothing Tra la la.

Chapter 2 - Toby's more gross than she thought

Slightly later that day:

"Honestly Toby" said Sarah over her shoulder as she drove, "I don't know why you have to act like this. You're going to end up as a goblin if you're not careful." She laughed a little.

Sarah stopped at a red light and took the chance to turn around and speak to her brother.

"Aack!! Toby!!!" she shrieked.

Toby had removed all of his clothing and had gone on to other things, namely licking the car window. The people in the neighboring car had not failed to notice.

"Put your clothes back on right NOW or you're in BIG trouble mister!! . . . And stop licking the window!" She reached back in an attempt to secure his shirt. Too late. He had opened the car door and had taken off down the street.

Toby surveyed his surroundings. Kids playing with frisbees, an old lady feeding birds, a happy couple witha picnic, he made his move.

A girl shrieked as the naked 6 year old streaked by and took a flying leap into the picnickers' apple pie.

Sarah came to the park following a trail of shrieks, shocked faces, and, after the picnickers, macaroni noodles.

"Toby?! Toby?! Where? . . . Oh no!" Sarah trailed off in terror as her eyes settled on a figure covered in apples, macaroni noodles, and pie crust chasing a terrified young couple around the park.


	3. Chapter 3: The Delicate Arrangement

Disclaimer & etc:

I don't own Labyrinth, Ah ha ha.

Chapter 3 - The Delicate Arrangement

Later that day:

Sarah determinedly entered her room, shut the door and stood in the center of her room.

"I wish the Goblin King would come here right now" she said.

"You know, Sarah", a voice came form the shadows, "I don't really have to grant every wish you come up with."

"I have a bone to pick with you, Jareth. I'll have you know that I blame you entirely for the disgustification of my brother." Jareth raised an elegant eyebrow.

"My dear Sarah, I'm not certain that I have the pleasure of understanding you."

ooooo

"Well you see my dear Sarah, the process of 'disgustification', as you so charmingly put it, is a very complex and delicate arrangement." Jareth explained.

Sarah raised an eyebrow.

Jareth continued. "A beautiful time in the maturation of a goblin, the transition between the gob_lin _and the gob_let_," Sarah snorted.

"Well, what _is_ it? How do I stop it?"

"Oh Sarah, Ah ha ha, you really think it's that easy, don't you? You see my dear, the process is simply irrriversable by any outside party. The choice lies with young Toby himself."

At this moment, Toby entered the room, chicken under arm. He looked at Jareth, at Sarah, and did the most natural thing in the world for an emerging Goblet to do. He emitted noxious gases from an unmentionable portion of his anatomy. Jareth left the room, muttering about having enough of this sort of thing to deal with at home and not feeling as though he ought to be subject to this kind of treatment here too.

ooooo

Sarah walked down to the kitchen. Jareth was lounging on her countertop eating an apple. Toby was sitting at his feet, contentedly shooting peas at his chicken.

"This is so bogus" she said.


	4. Chapter 4: Enter Parents

Disclaimer: I do not, nor shall I ever own 'Labyrinth', so called.

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Chapter Four - Enter Parents

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"Come back with me to my labyrinth, Sarah."

Sarah waited, arms crossed over her chest.

"What, you're not even going to make it worth my while, like offering to turn Toby back to normal?"

Jareth looked at her strangely.

"Well, no, Sarah. I had thought I'd already explained this. I _cant _turn Toby '_normal_;', as you put it. You never listen to

what I say." Sarah rolled her eyes.

"You are such a whiner in the real world!" Jareth looked affronted.

"Go eat some dinner", Sarah said. " I made salmon."

"I don't like samin.", said Jareth.

"You've never tried it before", she said.

"How would _you _know?" said Jareth.

"Describe it to me", she commanded.

Jareth began to look shifty.

"It's, uh, it's a . . . . . vegetable?"

"Close, but no tamale."

oooooooooo

Jareth grumpily enjoyed his salmon far above the ground, on Sarah's countertop. He refused to dine with the Toby creature much in the same fashion that he refused to dine with his own subjects.

"Where are your parents, Sarah?", asked Jareth, suddenly noticing their mysterious absence for the entirety of the story thus far.

"What? Oh, they usually carpool home around–" The door opened.

"Sarah? Toby? We're home! Wait, who is _he_?!!"

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Burp here. Chapter Four Complete. Mission accomplished. Leave your gifts of admiration in my e-mail box. Thank you. Have a nice time.


	5. Chapter 5: Jareth the Goblin King

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Jim Henson or somebody does.

Sorry to those of you who desire more, but this story is done entirely at my leisure and for my pleasure. Being as there really isn't a

story, it is difficult to feel very motivated to pen more of it. Thanks to all of you for the kind reviews.

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"Jareth the Goblin King, actually. Sarah is my one true love, but she rejects me. And makes fun of me. And blames me for everything, Like her little brother turning into a goblin. It's not _my _fault. "

Sarah's parents looked at him in something like alarm.

"Sarah", her mother adressed her, "you're not, um, bringing patients home from the office, are you?" She tried to be delicate.

Sarah was a secretary in a psychologist's office to help her pay for college. Sarah smiled at her.

"Well, he needed a place to stay, Mother."

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Jareth observed a poster in Sarah's room.

'This fellow is surprisingly good looking', he thought to himself. 'David Bowie . . . Hmm, that's an odd name. Looks like a David Hayworth-Jones to me. Ziggy Stardust, maybe, or AladdinSane, but David Bowie? What is it that he does that is so incredible that she needs his picture on her walls? Maybe he's a mime. Yes, that's it, he's a mime."

He continued in his musings whilst Toby was destroying Sarah's coverlet with a vengeance. Jareth strode out of the room in search of new entertainment.

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"You know, Sarah", (Jareth thought that Sarah could use some of his excellent advice), "You're going about that in completely the wrong way."

Sarah looked over her shoulder at him.

"Well", she said, gesturing at the porcelain, bowl shaped device, "you are welcome to try it yourself." Jareth raised an eyebrow at her.

"I do not partake of such activities, Sarah, but be assured, my dear, if I did, I would do it exceptionally."

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Aha! another chapter completed. Ah, I'm feeling victorious. Except that it's another of my endless supply of endless fictions. I have a

number of them. My sister and I are rather proficient at them. You can see the other ones under Miss Sillygoose and Miss Anthrope, or

you can find them in my favorites section.

-Burp.


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